Some Doubted...

Sunday morning I did the sermon in church for the first time in a little over a year. It wasn't a sermon as much as it was my testimony, so while I thought about it a lot, I didn't really write it down like I normally do, and I didn't practice it either. The 8:00 rendition was pretty much a disaster. I refocused, prayed and drank another cup of coffee and the 10:00 went much better.

So, while I included a little bit from the Gospel reading in my testimony, there was something that really caught my attention in the reading and I've been thinking about for the better part of a week now. The reading was Matthew 28:16-20:

"The eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain to which Jesus had directed them. When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. And Jesus came and said to them, "All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I have commanded you. And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age."

The part that caught my attention was this: "When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted." Some doubted? These are the eleven remaining disciples we're talking about here! Who doubted? Surely not Thomas (again) he's gotten his proof. How can these guys doubt? They've been hanging out with a Jesus that has just risen from the dead for the last 40 days.

I did a little research and found that the word for "doubt" here is the same one used when Peter had just walked on water and then sunk. Jesus, reaching out to pull him up, asks him "Why did you doubt?" This word in the Greek (edistasan) can also be translated "hesitated", which makes a little more sense to me. I have a recurring dream in which I can fly. I think most people who read a lot of comics do. :) Anyway, sometimes, as I'm starting to wake, and I realize that I'm dreaming, suddenly I think "I can't do this" and I start to fall and wake up. I think Peter had a similiar thing happen to him. He believed when Jesus told him that he could, and for a moment, he did walk on water. Then he kind of looked around and this edistasan hit him. "Wait a minute... This isn't normal!"

I think the disciples on the mountain had the same kind of hesitation. They had seen what Jesus had done for the last few years, they had seen him die (or at least known that he had) and they had seen him rise from the dead. They were probably also keenly aware of some of the things Jesus had said about following him that they hadn't given much thought to while he was still alive. Things like Luke 14:25-33: "Large crowds were traveling with Jesus, and turning to them he said: ²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.²⁸ “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it? ²⁹ For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you, ³⁰ saying, ‘This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish.’ ³¹ “Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand? ³² If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace. ³³ In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples."

These are hard things to hear. The disciples likely knew that Jesus was about to go back (as he had told them) and they were probably starting to get a good idea of what was ahead of them. Its enough to make anyone hesitate.

I know the feeling well. When we were first offered the opportunity at Christ Church to do youth ministry, it came with a condition. They would train me to do full time youth ministry, but after 6 months, I was on my own to go somewhere else and begin a ministry. We had just bought a house. Megan was not yet two years old. We had seemingly just settled down and were beginning to put down roots in Plano. This decision was going to uproot us and move us to who-knew-where. We had to take a big step of faith and trust that this is what God was really calling us to do. We didn't "doubt" that this is what we were called to, but there was a moment of "edistasan" where we had to take a big breath (metaphorically) and say "Ok God, we will go wherever you lead us".

We are in that same situation now. Most likely, today most people will be getting the letters we sent out over the weekend asking for support for our new ministry. There have been a few edistasan moments in the last couple of weeks. Is this really going to work? Will people really support this? Are you sure about this God? When these moments come up, God's promises come to my mind - "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) "I can do all things through him who gives me strength" (Phil 4:13) and from the gospel this week "And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." (Matthew 28:20) - and my doubts disappear.