I've been thinking about writing about this for some time now but I can't seem to put into words want I want to say. At least not in a cohesive way, so I might ramble a little here... or a lot, I don't know yet.
Grief is weird because sometimes it hits you at completely unexpected times in unexpected ways. A few weeks ago I was at work, listening to music on random and an old Sammy Hagar song came on - "Can't Get Loose" from Standing Hampton. And suddenly I was overcome with grief. All I could think about was my brother. In the mid 80's Steven had this Sammy Hagar Double Album Cassette Tape that had Standing Hampton on one side and Three Lock Box on the other. Man, I used to "borrow" that tape all the time, and I wore it out. It used to make him crazy because it was one of his favorites, too. Now, I've listened to tons of Sammy Hagar over the years and in the last 7 years since Steven died, but for some reason that night, that song really hit me. So here I am at work, feeding the robot, listening to some classic rock and trying to hold back tears.
A couple of years ago I had a dream. A nightmare, really. I dreamed that Steven was in a horrible car accident, had to go to the hospital and died. I woke up in a panic and in within about 3 seconds had a crazy range of emotions. First, I was relieved that it was just a dream. My brother didn't die in a car accident. Then reality crashed back down on me when I realized that he had died, though. A long time ago. It seemed cruel. Everytime I dream about Steven its a weird thing because like lots of dreams I guess, it feels so real until you wake up.
Then of course, there are days like today. Today would have been his 51st birthday. Its been on my mind all day. I posted a photo of us together on Facebook and found myself scouring through my phone for a picture of us together and I realized that I don't have near enough photos of us. I guess it makes me appreciate the ones I do have more, but I wish I had more - and maybe thats the whole point of all this... I wish I had more. More time with him, more of his old emails and texts... just more.
As a pastor, I know that I should probably have some kind of advice for overcoming grief or dealing with it, but I don't have anything useful today. Today I'm just a grieving guy missing his big brother.
A lot of the pictures that I did find bring a smile to my face, and some of the memories I have of him make me happy. A lot of them have to do with music - like my very first concert (Iron Maiden) was with him. So was my second (Judas Priest). But we went to a lot of shows together. Some of them (like a Fates Warning show) I don't think he really dug the band that much, but he was always up for going to a show. We went to a very early Drowning Pool show one time and the singer at the time, when he met Steven, looked up at him and said "I don't know what you do, but you're hired!" Steven loved it.
A lot of the pictures are old, like these, but they're also awesome:
[gallery ids="1121,1122,1123" type="columns" link="file"]
All this I'm writing about here is nothing new. If you've lost someone close to you, you probably know exactly what I mean. The good in all this is that I have a bunch of good memories to look back on and that almost always overcomes the grief I feel eventually. I struggled with this growing up because my dad was gone and I couldn't remember much about him at all. I think about Steven's daughter who was pretty young when he died - not much older than I was when my dad died - and I wonder how much she remembers.
I've been working on collecting some of those memories and writing them down, along with any pictures that I have, for her. Some of you reading this may have stories you'd like to tell also... I know for a fact that soon his daughter is going to want to know all she can about her dad, and your story could play a big part in that. Several years ago I tracked down my dad's best friend from high school and he wrote me a couple of stories about my dad that even my mom had never heard.
Soon, I'm going to be bugging a few people for those stories, but if you want to head me off at the pass, you can email me at revporter@icloud.com. They don't have to be long or funny or sad or anything. Even just "I remember how he always used to _______" kind of things are good.
I guess I did ramble a lot here, but we've made it to the end, anyway. I'll finish off with a couple of Bible verses, because I need them tonight - Psalm 34:18 tells us that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted" and Psalm 147:3 says that "He heals the brokenhearted". Jesus himself tells us that "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted".
I'm ready to be comforted.
Grief is weird because sometimes it hits you at completely unexpected times in unexpected ways. A few weeks ago I was at work, listening to music on random and an old Sammy Hagar song came on - "Can't Get Loose" from Standing Hampton. And suddenly I was overcome with grief. All I could think about was my brother. In the mid 80's Steven had this Sammy Hagar Double Album Cassette Tape that had Standing Hampton on one side and Three Lock Box on the other. Man, I used to "borrow" that tape all the time, and I wore it out. It used to make him crazy because it was one of his favorites, too. Now, I've listened to tons of Sammy Hagar over the years and in the last 7 years since Steven died, but for some reason that night, that song really hit me. So here I am at work, feeding the robot, listening to some classic rock and trying to hold back tears.
A couple of years ago I had a dream. A nightmare, really. I dreamed that Steven was in a horrible car accident, had to go to the hospital and died. I woke up in a panic and in within about 3 seconds had a crazy range of emotions. First, I was relieved that it was just a dream. My brother didn't die in a car accident. Then reality crashed back down on me when I realized that he had died, though. A long time ago. It seemed cruel. Everytime I dream about Steven its a weird thing because like lots of dreams I guess, it feels so real until you wake up.
Then of course, there are days like today. Today would have been his 51st birthday. Its been on my mind all day. I posted a photo of us together on Facebook and found myself scouring through my phone for a picture of us together and I realized that I don't have near enough photos of us. I guess it makes me appreciate the ones I do have more, but I wish I had more - and maybe thats the whole point of all this... I wish I had more. More time with him, more of his old emails and texts... just more.As a pastor, I know that I should probably have some kind of advice for overcoming grief or dealing with it, but I don't have anything useful today. Today I'm just a grieving guy missing his big brother.
A lot of the pictures that I did find bring a smile to my face, and some of the memories I have of him make me happy. A lot of them have to do with music - like my very first concert (Iron Maiden) was with him. So was my second (Judas Priest). But we went to a lot of shows together. Some of them (like a Fates Warning show) I don't think he really dug the band that much, but he was always up for going to a show. We went to a very early Drowning Pool show one time and the singer at the time, when he met Steven, looked up at him and said "I don't know what you do, but you're hired!" Steven loved it.
A lot of the pictures are old, like these, but they're also awesome:
[gallery ids="1121,1122,1123" type="columns" link="file"]
All this I'm writing about here is nothing new. If you've lost someone close to you, you probably know exactly what I mean. The good in all this is that I have a bunch of good memories to look back on and that almost always overcomes the grief I feel eventually. I struggled with this growing up because my dad was gone and I couldn't remember much about him at all. I think about Steven's daughter who was pretty young when he died - not much older than I was when my dad died - and I wonder how much she remembers.
I've been working on collecting some of those memories and writing them down, along with any pictures that I have, for her. Some of you reading this may have stories you'd like to tell also... I know for a fact that soon his daughter is going to want to know all she can about her dad, and your story could play a big part in that. Several years ago I tracked down my dad's best friend from high school and he wrote me a couple of stories about my dad that even my mom had never heard.
Soon, I'm going to be bugging a few people for those stories, but if you want to head me off at the pass, you can email me at revporter@icloud.com. They don't have to be long or funny or sad or anything. Even just "I remember how he always used to _______" kind of things are good.
I guess I did ramble a lot here, but we've made it to the end, anyway. I'll finish off with a couple of Bible verses, because I need them tonight - Psalm 34:18 tells us that "The LORD is close to the brokenhearted" and Psalm 147:3 says that "He heals the brokenhearted". Jesus himself tells us that "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted".
I'm ready to be comforted.
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